


Trilogy: Sowing the Seeds

by mistressterably



Category: Duran Duran
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 09:45:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9542270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistressterably/pseuds/mistressterably
Summary: Bear with me, I'm going through old fic that I'd posted online over a decade ago and going to start pulling it over onto AO3. There will be edits and stuff to go through but I'd rather do it this way then lose the stories.





	1. Chapter 1

Sowing the Seeds

Andy sat on the train and looked at the circled ad for a guitarist again. He hoped it worked out and he got this gig for a while. Anything to get out of Newcastle for a while and let things quiet down. He also hoped that they wouldn't want to know too much about what he'd been up too other than bands wise. With a sigh, he put the paper in his pocket and settle in for the ride.

Hours later, he arrived at the Birmingham train station, slung his guitar over his shoulder and bought himself a local map. After a bus ride and a short walk, Andy found himself standing in front of the Rum Runner pub. He stepped inside and headed for the bar. He ordered himself a pint of beer and stood there drinking as he took in the place. The bartender came over after serving another couple.

"You here about that ad then?" The fellow asked, pointing to the guitar leaned up against the bar.

"Yeah. Who do I speak to?"

"I'll go get John and Nick. They're in the back room taking inventory." The bartender ducked into the back room through a swinging door and Andy could hear him call out for the two guys. He worked on his beer as he waited. Two guys came out with the bartender a few minutes later and Andy had to stifle a bark of laughter. Side by side it was hard to imagine they were both in the same band.

The taller of the two was in leather trousers and some bright red shirt and the shorter guy was dolled up as if he was some cross-dresser who forgot the dress part of his get up. Andy drank from his pint again to cover his grimace. With get-ups like that these guys wouldn't bother hiring him on. Not in his jeans and leather jacket.

The bartender introduced them, "This is John, and that's Nick." He pointed in turn to the taller guy and then the short one.

"Name's Andy," he introduced himself. "You're looking for a guitar player?"

"Yes," Nick answered. "Where you from?" He asked as they went over to a table to sit and talk.

"Newcastle." Andy answered as he pulled out some cigarettes and offered them to the others. Soon the three of them were smoking and talking. Through the entire conversation, Andy watched the two of them interacting and guessed that they had something going on between them. Nick he could see as queer, but the other guy? Not that he could blame John for wanting someone like Nick. Certainly different then the guys he'd run through back in Newcastle.

"Let's hear you play then," John said, breaking Andy's train of thought.

"Ok, do you have an amp I can borrow? I didn't have a chance to bring one down with me on the train."

"Sure, c'mon. We have everything set up upstairs in the practice room." Nick got up.

"Above the pub?" Andy asked, shooting an eyebrow up at the revelation.

"Yeah, it's a great get up. We play here in the pub and practice upstairs. The owners of the club are our manager." Nick explained to Andy as they went upstairs.

"I'll say," Andy followed them upstairs, his eyes drawn to Nick's ass. No harm in looking, no harm at all, Andy thought to himself.

~~~~

"So, when do I get to meet the singer?" Andy asked one day after a good jam session. Roger, the drummer, took off to get to his part time job on time.

"Well.. ah, he's still not feeling well." John explained and shot a look at Nick.

"Get to meet him soon I hope." Andy said as he sat down on a battered couch and lit up a cigarette.

Nick came over, "Can I bum a cigarette off you?" He asked, sitting down. I tossed him the pack and sat back.

"Nick, your parents would kill you if they found you smoking so much." John busied himself putting his bass away in it's case.

"Don't worry, John. They won't know." Nick grinned and made a show of taking a long drag on his fag for John. John laughed and set his bass off to one side. "You off then?"

"Yeah, I'll see you guys tomorrow." John took off and left Nick and Andy alone in the practice room.

"Andy, go downstairs and get a couple of beers." Nick casually ordered him.

"You go get your own fucking beer," Andy answered.

"Can't, technically they can't serve me beer, I'm only 17."

"What??" Andy turned to look at him. "You're fucking underage and working here? Damn. I thought you were 19. Hell, I'm only 18 myself."

"Then how come they serve you beer without question?" Nick asked.

Andy chuckled, "I've been dodging in and out of pubs since I was thirteen. It's all about attitude. You go in and act older then they treat you older. You'd never get away with it, you act too damn sissy."

"Do not!" Nick argued.

Andy barked a laugh. "You do, mate." Andy got up and mimicked the way Nick walked. "Your ass almost screams mincer." Andy turned about to walk back and kept laughing. Nick's face went a bit pale at first and he got up.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow," Nick said quietly and grabbed his jacket.

"Hey, it's just a...." Andy stopped his laughing and watched helplessly as Nick left him there alone. ".. joke." He thought about running after Nick but didn't. Andy sat back down and lit up another cigarette. Obviously Nick was sensitive about the issue. He hoped he hadn't crossed a line he shouldn't have. Would be just his luck to piss off the guys he was going to play in a band with. Andy stubbed out his fag and grabbed his coat. Maybe he could catch up to Nick.

He barreled down the stairs and out of the pub. "Nick!" Andy called out into the night air. "Fuck." He muttered and tried to remember the way Nick took to get home. Guessing, he went one way and began to jog along. It was only a few blocks down from the pub when he caught up to Nick. "Nick! Wait up, mate."

Nick stopped and turned around. "What do you want, Andy? Another look at my ass?"

Andy leaned on his knees, catching his breath. "Nick, I'm... sorry.."

"You? Sorry?" Nick snorted at that. "You've only been in the band for two weeks. And that's how you see us? Maybe you should leave the band now, because this is how the band is going to be."

"I was only fucking having you on, Nick." Andy tried to explain. "You've made it more than clear to all of us what you want for the fucking band. And you know fucking well, that I'm in for the long run. I'm not stupid, I know we sound good together."

"Sound isn't everything, Andy." Nick looked at Andy defiantly. "Look at Bowie.. it's image too. You won't get anywhere anymore wearing leather and jeans. And if you think that the look we're going for is for queers .."

"Nick, hold up a minute," Andy put out his hands to stop him. "I've already fucking told you I'm in for it all. It was a joke, okay. A laugh. If you don't like that type of humour then I won't make fun of it again, okay?" I tried to placate him. "I just see how you and John get along..."

Nick punched Andy in jaw, the blow landing with no warning. Andy faltered backwards and had to steady himself, a hand on his jaw. "Don't you EVER talk that way about John and I. He is the best friend I have ever had, he's like my brother!"

Andy raised his hands in submission. "Okay! I get the message!" He rubbed at his jaw some more. "I misjudged you two is all. I know better now."

Nick made a hmphing noise and turned his back on Andy to continue on his way home. Andy walked quickly to match Nick's steps. "I'm sorry, okay?"

"You should be." Nick muttered. "You've only known us for two weeks. John and I have been friends for years."

Andy put a hand on Nick's shoulder to stop him. "Look, mate. I really am sorry. Fuck, I grew up in Newcastle! All this is different.. new. What this band is about is what gets guys beat up where I'm from."

"Then you'd better get over it fast, Andy. Because we're going as far up the ladder as we can with the band."

"And I"m in it with you, I fucking swear I'll do anything it takes to get this band to the top with you." Andy held out his hand to Nick. Nick eyed it for a moment and then caught Andy's eyes. Their hands met and they shook on it, sealing the agreement.

~~~~~

A few weeks later, a singer, Simon, was found and they began to practice in earnest. Nick was cool to Andy for a while but as the five of them came together and their music grew, the coolness warmed up until they were back on the same footing as before. No one was the wiser and Andy soon saw Nick and John's relationship the way he should have in the beginning. He could have kicked himself for thinking the wrong thing about them. The more they played, the more Andy became aware of Nick's presence. He was unlike anyone that Andy had ever known before. The other guys were just friends to him. He never saw in them the same as what he saw in Nick.

It seemed natural to him that for most of the shows they played, he would set up his amp in front of Nick's keyboards. He was also aware of the growing friendship between Simon and John. The way the clicked on stage was something to see. And the birds saw it quite well too. Not that any of the five were neglected in that department, but for Simon and John it was more noticeable. They oozed sex and charm. And not the sort of sex that Andy wanted but it was perfect for the ladies.

The one drawback that he saw from the chemistry between John and Simon was the lost look in Nick's eyes at times. Nick, Andy noted, never held it against John when he and Simon took off together with women after they played a gig. Sometimes, Nick would latch onto a woman himself and have a grand time. But sometimes.. Andy saw the look in Nick's eyes that told of a younger brother being shut out of a small part of his older brother's life. It was only fleeting sadness on Nick's part, and he never spotted Andy watching him at those times.

For his own part, Andy made an effort to be seen with the ladies and indulge himself at times. After those trysts though, Andy would sit up alone, smoking and drinking and wondering. His thoughts drifitng back to the men he'd known in Newcastle. The men he'd practically run away from by coming to Birmingham. He'd been careful, too. Not getting caught up in the underside of this town. He'd left his hometown for a reason and it wasn't to fall back into the traps here. Especially not with the potential of the band in the balance.

Too often though when he was sitting up and thinking, his thoughts would drift back to the night Nick had hit him for his joke. Andy wondered what it was that had sparked Nick to hit him. The look in his eyes afterwards was what had thrown Andy the most. It hadn't been anger. He'd seen Nick angry a lot of times after that and he knew it wasn't that he'd seen. The only thing Andy could think it had been was fear. But what had Nick been afraid of that night? Andy's hand unconsciously rubbed at his jaw every time he thought about it, and he'd always go to bed without an answer.

~~~~

Before long, they were the buzz of the town and drawing in the crowds to the pub. Their managers began to make arrangements for them to go on a tour of bigger places opening for another band.

They travelled in a cramped minivan with their gear packed in tightly with them. To save on money, they stayed in two rooms. John, Andy and Nick stayed in one room while Roger and Simon bunked in a second room. Most nights they drank and partied as long as they could before heading to whatever rooms they had hired for the night.

As often as not, some of the guys would hook up with a woman and go off to have some fun in private. And just as often, it was Nick and Andy alone in the room after the parties as John and Simon carried on the party. Many of those nights were spent with a couple of pinched bottles of beer and fags. Occasionally, Andy would score some grass and they'd sit up smoking and talking. Grand schemes of world music domination were hatched and as quickly forgotten in the smoky haze.

One of their smoking sessions began after a bad gig. The sound had been off the whole set and they didn't have any chance of fixing it. Nick was fuming at the whole situation and let everyone know it that came within earshot. Even the manager riding with them made himself scarce. Andy sat at the bar after the show and watched as Nick let the pub owners have it until he was worn out and his anger faded to frustration. Andy jumped in and pulled Nick away from them.

"C'mon, Nick. Let's go. No point in hanging around here." Andy kept his hand on Nick's arm and steered him from the pub and out into the night. Together, they walked down the road to the cheap hostel they'd booked into for the night. They made it to their room to find that there was only one big bed in it. "Guess we're sharing again tonight." Andy croaked as he kicked off his shoes.

"Could be worse. John could be here too." Nick shrugged out of his jacket and hung it up before sitting down to take off his boots.

Andy pulled a bag out of his jacket and tossed it on the bed. "Wanna smoke tonight?" He asked as he slipped out of his shirt. He went over to the window and turned up the radiator. "You look like you need to smooth out a bit."

"May as well." Nick grumbled as he went to the sink and washed off all the makeup from his face. Andy busied himself rolling a joint as Nick scrubbed himself clean.

"You know, Nick," Andy began, pausing to lick the paper and close it, "You look a whole fucking lot better without that makeup on." Andy pinched the ends of the joint shut and fished some matches out of his jeans pocket.

"Image, Andy. Image." Nick reminded Andy as he dried his face. He came over to the bed and sat on the end of it. "People in the audience can't see how blue your eyes are, but they'll remember that you had this gorgeous hairdo and you were wearing hot clothes. They'll be able to see the darker eyeliner and they'll think they saw your eyes. Give yourself bigger lips and they'll see you smile better."

"Well, if they were to see you up close without the makeup on they'd probably fucking wet themselves." Andy lit the joint and took a long drag on it. He handed it to Nick, who helped himself to an equally long drag. Andy stretched himself out on the bed, idly scratching his chest.

"Not everyone can be that close, Andy." Nick managed to say after blowing out the smoke. Andy took back the joint and watched through the drifting haze as Nick took off his shirt and stood up to remove his trousers. "Once we make it to the charts and get played on the radio.. the crowds will only get bigger."

Andy sighed at the thought of being that well known. "Long as we survive this fucking nightmare first."

"Michael's arranged to have some label reps at the next show." Nick said as he opened his bag and pulled out a pair of pyjama bottoms. "Hopefully there won't be any problems with the sound this time." With his back to Andy he stripped off his underwear and pulled on his pyjamas. Andy sat up on the bed leaning against the headboard. His eyes kept locked on Nick's body through his dressing. If he could survive not making moves on Nick for this tour, Andy thought to himself, he should earn some award. Nick joined Andy on the bed finally and slid under the covers. He took the joint from Andy and had a long drag on it.

"Be nice to get a record deal." Andy commented aimlessly. He decided that he would have to go to the lav before he went to much further tonight. "Here," He handed the joint to Nick. "Finish that off. I have to go to the lav." Andy got up from the bed and headed out of the room down to the lavatory. Once there, he pushed his trousers down and pissed. All he could think of was Nick standing there in front of him naked and bent over. "If you only knew, Nick." Andy whispered.

His hand strayed to his chest and he stroked one of his nipples and tried to imagine how Nick would kiss it. Andy groaned involuntarily. In his grasp, his cock began to stiffen as his mind continued to fantasize about Nick. He turned round and sat on the toilet, stroking himself some more. Andy didn't get much further as a pounding on the door broke his train of thought and Roger's voice carried through, telling him to hurry up. Andy's dick lost it's arousal fast and he stood up. He pulled the chain on the tank and washed his hands before opening the door.

"Bought time, Andy." Roger griped and pushed past Andy without another word. Andy stood there in the hall for a moment and ran a hand through his hair. Frustrated, that's how he felt. As frustrated as Nick. Just about different things. He returned to the room and found Nick fast asleep in the bed and the last bit of the joint lying in the sink. Andy disposed of it properly and pulled off his jeans. In just his underwear, he crawled into bed and tried to get some sleep.

When they finally arrived back in Birmingham they all scattered and went to their own places. Andy was as glad as the rest to be back in his own flat. Even though it did mean he wasn't sharing a room with Nick. As he tossed all his dirty clothes into a pile to be washed up, Andy smoked a cigarette and tried not to think about the tour. It hadn't been a few hours since they'd got back and he was already missing it. "Fuck it," He swore aloud in the empty flat. "Just fuck it." He muttered and kicked at the pile of clothes to scatter them. "You're being as fucking stupid now as you were back home."

Angrily, he stripped off his shirt and tossed it in the scattered pile. With his cigarette dangling from his lips, Andy went to the bathroom and started to run a shower. He knew he was going where he couldn't. He knew damn fucking well that Nick wasn't swinging that way. Nick had made that all too clear. So what was the point in jacking off thinking about him? He smirked at his own thoughts. "Because he's a hot looking fucker and given the chance I'd fuck him like no tomorrow." Andy tossed the butt of his cigarette into the toilet and stripped off his jeans.

Under the hot water Andy scrubbed himself clean, washing the grime of the tour off properly. His hands moved over his chest, washing his skin even as his mind went back over details of the tour. Small things said by Nick in their late night talks popped into Andy's head uninvited. He put his head under the stream and let it run over him, his eyes closed. It didn't stop him from getting hard and it didn't stop him from acknowledging to himself that he was bitten, that he wanted Nick. He grabbed his cock and began to masturbate, his mind imagining all the things he wanted to do with Nick. His release came and was washed away by the shower. Panting slightly at his efforts, Andy stood for a few moments longer under the water. Slicking back his hair, he turned off the water and stepped out of the shower.

A knock on the door prompted Andy to grab a towel and tie it around him. He answered the door, still wet from the shower. "Nick?" Andy was surprised to see him at his door so soon. "What's up?"

"I packed this up by mistake." Nick stepped into Andy's flat and closed the door behind him before pulling the bag of grass from his jacket. "Soon as I saw it, I had to get rid of it. So I rushed over here. I didn't dare leave it at home in case Mum or Dad spotted it."

Andy took the bag from Nick, "Thanks, mate."

"Sorry, I guess.. it could have waited. Didn't mean to interrupt," Nick turned to leave again, a faint hint of a blush to his cheeks.

"Hey, don't worry, Nick. I just got out of the shower is all. Couldn't wait to get washed up properly after the tour." Andy grinned and tossed the bag onto a shelf. "Give me a sec and I'll get dressed."

"No, that's okay. I should get going home." Nick stammered slightly and Andy fancied that Nick had been staring at his chest. He gave himself a mental kick and then thanked his lucky stars that he'd just jacked off or else he'd be sporting a woody right now.

"Tired of hanging around with me already?" Andy teased, enjoying Nick's discomfort. It was almost.. cute.

"No, no!" Nick denied Andy's statement. "I mean, you're obviously busy and I'm in the way.." Nick was really blushing now. Andy had to really fight not to break into a grin and tease Nick.

Instead, Andy shrugged. "Up to you mate, have a seat if you like and I'll get dressed. If not, then I'll have to drink on my own." Andy turned his back on Nick and walked to the bathroom to get his jeans. He could feel Nick's eyes on him and then he heard the creaking of the old couch as Nick sat down. Andy smirked to himself. He emerged from the bathroom, zipping up his jeans for Nick's benefit. "You want a beer then?" Nick nodded and tried to look anywhere else but at Andy. With a couple of bottles in hand, Andy joined Nick on the couch.

"I can't stay long, should get back home." Nick spoke after a few moments of silence. He drank some of the beer and sat back. "I still have to unpack the rest of my stuff."

Andy chuckled, "By the time you get home your mum will have it all done and in the wash!" Nick grinned sheepishly. Andy impulsively reached over and mussed Nick's hair with his hand. "The baby of the group you are," he grinned.

"Cut it out!" Nick swatted at Andy's hand. "Just because your 8 months older than me.."

"Still makes you the baby." Andy mussed Nick's hair again. Nick made a show of growling at Andy and Andy let off from his teasing. He still smiled, though.

"You may think I'm the baby, but you know who's running the band's image, don't you?" Nick smirked at Andy. "And I've been doing some thinking on that."

"What the fuck you got in that head of yours now?"

"You'll see." Nick finished off his beer quickly. "I'm off home now."

"Wait, what have you got in mind?" Andy tried again for an answer.

"You'll see.. in a few days.." Nick grinned and got up. Andy got up and tried again to get some hints but Nick just wagged a finger at him. "Remember the agreement." And before Andy could say anything, Nick ducked out the door and away.

Andy sat down on the arm of the couch and drank some of his beer. How the hell could he forget the agreement he'd made! He picked up the empty bottle of Nick's and touched the lip of it where Nick had drunk from. "And you still act like a fucking mincer, Nick." Andy growled. "Fucking little cock-tease." He threw the bottle at the wall and watched it shatter.

~~~~  
Andy showed up at the Rum Runner for practice after a few days break and walked in to see Simon's and Nick's hair dyed black and John's was a fire-engine red. "What the fuck?" Andy looked at them. Simon just pointed at Nick and grinned. "Oh fuck..." Andy grimaced.

"Andy! About time you got here. You doing anything after we jam?" Nick looked up from his keyboards.

"No." Andy answered. "Unless you count going to the pub for a few drinks."

"Good, I'll be coming over to your place then." Andy groaned, he knew that it wasn't for the reason he'd wanted Nick to come over but probably to dye his hair. He just hoped it wasn't fire-engine red.

As they jammed, Andy kept looking at Nick whenever he could. He was still getting his head around Nick with jet-black hair. And he was finding that he liked it. Gave him a more mature look, he thought.

Thinking about Nick and his black hair kept Andy's mind off the prospects of what was going to happen after they finished jamming. What it did do though was give Andy was a buzz of arousal the whole day. It helped having the guitar in front of his crotch the whole time. And around lunch he managed to disappear to the lav long enough to take care of his 'problem' for a little while anyway. He was getting bad though, all this thinking about Nick and how there was no way he'd ever get anywhere with him. If he could just get that one glimpse of hope .. of a chance .. he'd make a move. But he'd have to be damned careful if he did. If he was wrong.. he didn't want to bolt again.

As the jam session wore on Andy eventually stopped thinking so much about wanting to fuck Nick and got on with working on some new songs.

"Hey, you guys, you going to break anytime soon?" Paul came into the practice room with a plate of sandwiches. "It's past 6 now."

"Past 6??" John sat up in his seat and stretched his fingers. "I'd better get going. I'm supposed to be picking up Lisa soon to go to the cinema."

"Call it a day then." Roger said quietly and stood up, getting the kinks out of his back. "See you guys tomorrow."

Roger grabbed a sandwich to eat on the way home as did Simon and John. They all said their goodbyes and Andy was putting his guitar away while Nick kept on fiddling with the keyboards. "Well, Nick?"

"Hmm?" Nick didn't even look up from the keyboards. Andy chuckled quietly as he watched Nick working away and making some notes on a piece of a paper. Andy came over and leaned on one of the stands to just watch Nick for a while. It was some time before Nick looked up and spotted Andy there. "Oh! Sorry!"

"Don't be, Nick." Andy grinned, enjoying the moment.

"Were you waiting for me?" Nick asked.

"I was under the impression you wanted to get messing with my hair." He shrugged and turned away. "If I'm wrong I'll just get going home now."

"Oh! That's right! I was going to help you dye your hair!" It was Nick's turn to beam with pleasure. "I've got everything we need with me. You want to do this at my place or yours?"

"Mine." Andy said without hesitation. "No offense but your parents are too fucking nice. They drive me nuts!"

Nick laughed and turned the power to his keyboards off before grabbing his jacket. "I'm dj'ing tomorrow here. You going to come and hang out?"

"Naw, I'd rather go to one of the other pubs." Andy slipped his own jacket on.

"Don't you like the music selection when I DJ?" Nick asked as they headed out of the pub.

"Not really, Nick. It's just that we have different tastes in music is all, so don't take it all personally, okay?"

"I won't. Wouldn't expect it of you." Nick replied. They walked down the street in silence for a while.

"So, you gonna tell me what colour I'm getting?" Andy asked finally.

Nick grinned mischeviously. "No, you'll have to wait until it's done to see."

They arrived at Andy's flat and Nick immediately headed to the bathroom. "Andy, you may want to change into an old shirt or something. Just in case of a mess."

"Alright." Andy called from the kitchen and grabbed a couple bottles of beer.

"Ready for you!" Nick called out. Andy headed into the bathroom and put the beers on the counter. Nick had changed into an old t-shirt of his own but had kept on his leather trousers. Nick pointed to the stool by the sink. "Sit." Andy sat facing the bathroom mirror. "Oh no, back to the mirror, Andy. I told you, no seeing until it's all done."

"Fuck, Nick. You're only dying my hair." Andy grumbled as he turned around on the stool.

"You sure you want to leave that shirt on?" Nick asked.

"Huh?" Andy looked at what he had on. "Guess I better not." He pulled his shirt off and sat there naked from the waist up. He tossed the shirt into the corner. "There you go."

Nick laughed and got to work on Andy's hair. Andy sat quietly, enjoying the attention. With Nick's hands working on his hair, Andy closed his eyes and let his imagination run wild. He probably shouldn't have but he did anyway. Nick was too close and the situation too intimate not too. By the time, Nick finished, Andy was well on his way to an erection.

"There, now we wait for about 30 minutes and then wash it out." Nick cleaned up and then sat down on the edge of the tub across from Andy. "Here, we may as well have these beers while we're waiting." He handed Andy one and opened his own.

"This better not be some fire-engine red colour you're doing on me." Andy growled. Nick just laughed.

"I think it'll look good on you. Certainly be different." Nick laughed again at the look on Andy's face. "Oh, don't worry, it'll grow out eventually if you don't like it."

"You'll hear if I don't like it!" Andy warned.

They passed the time talking and Nick got up to get some more beer at one point. They'd each had three beers by the time Nick decided to wash the dye out of Andy's hair. Before Andy could protest, Nick pulled out a hair dryer and began to work on drying Andy's hair.

"This has come out quite well." Nick commented as he put the hair dryer down.

"Can I look now?" Andy asked. "You've had me wait fucking long enough!"

"Oh, go on then. Have a look." Nick stood back and watched the look on Andy's face as he saw himself as a blonde for the first time.

"You've turned me into a blonde!" Andy reached up and touched his hair.

Nick moved in front of Andy and began to fluff at his hair. "I think maybe we should get you some bangs and chop back some of this long stuff in the back."

It was too much for Andy finally. Before Nick could do anything, Andy grabbed him and kissed him. A moment later, Nick pulled away and stepped back. "Andy?? What are you doing??"

"Nick.." Andy tried to put a hand out to touch Nick's arm but stopped himself. "Look, I'm sorry, mate. I can't fucking sit around and hope anymore. I want you, Nick."

"But.. " Nick stood there, confused. "I thought... that night..."

"It's a bluff, Nick. All a fucking bluff." Andy grabbed his bottle of beer and left the bathroom. He planted himself on the couch. "I hope you don't kick me off the band because of this."

Nick came out of the bathroom and leaned on the door jamb. "Andy, I'm not going to kick you out of the band at all."

"I'd understand if you did. I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell the others. I don't want to run from Birmingham the way I did Newcastle."

"Be embarassing for both of us, wouldn't it?" Nick answered. "I never would have guessed that you were queer, Andy."

"Have been for a long time." Andy looked up at Nick. "And I've wanted you for a long time too. Since I first saw you. I really thought that you and John were.. you know. But after that argument I knew it wasn't like that." He paused and drank some more of his beer. "I wouldn't have ever made a move on you Nick, but today.. you were so close and.. well.. I'm sorry."

Nick walked over to the couch and sat down beside Andy. "Andy, don't be sorry." Gingerly, Nick put a hand on Andy's knee.

"Don't.. don't fucking start teasing me now!" Andy knocked Nick's hand from his knee. "You understand what I'm telling you? I want to have sex with you, Nick!"

Nick stood up, unsure what to do or say. "I'm not trying to tease you, Andy. This is.. quite a shock for me. To find out that you've been wanting me all this time and not saying anything. I don't know what to say."

"You can say you either want to have sex with me or tell me to fuck off." Andy said gruffly. "Fuck it, Nick. I never meant it all to happen this way!"

"What about the women? On the tour?" Nick asked.

"Just because I kiss the occasional bird doesn't mean I'm gonna fuck her, Nick. You ever see me fuck one of them?" Nick shook his head. "I haven't had sex with anyone since I left Newcastle. "

"You were waiting for me?" Nick asked, incredulous.

"Not really. Just trying to avoid the same shit from happening here." Andy got up and fetched himself another beer. "I left Newcastle to get away from a guy who wouldn't take no for an answer. He wanted to get more serious than I was interested in. When I saw the ad I grabbed the chance and left. And then I showed up here and next thing I know, there's you and all I can think about now is you and how you look and how I want to .. do things with you." Andy's eyes locked on the ratty rug on the floor.

Nick sat back down beside Andy. "This isn't something I've thought a lot about, Andy. I've never been faced with another man saying he.. wants me that way."

Andy's hand ran through his now-blonde hair. "I can be gone tomorrow."

"No." Nick said without thinking. "No. I know that I don't want to see you leave. I'm just not sure how to react."

Andy looked at Nick. "Do you feel anything for me? Anything at all?"

Nick sat there, his arms wrapped around himself. "I don't know, Andy." Nick looked away, almost too shy to answer the question. "How long did it take you to realise you were attracted to men?"

"Not long." Andy got up and grabbed his cigarettes, lighting one and sitting back down. "Not to say that I didn't fuck around with the odd girl, but it's always been the men that I wanted most." Andy's hands shook slightly as he smoked. "It took me a good year or more before I really admitted it to myself though. But it's always been there." Andy looked at Nick hard. "Nick, you either are or you aren't. If you aren't, I understand that. I respect that. I just want to know if I have a chance with you or not."

"I can't answer you right now, Andy." Nick stood up. "We'll talk again, I promise."

Andy got up and followed Nick to the door. "You won't..." Hi face betrayed his worry to Nick.

"I won't, Andy. You'd have to be the one to tell the others not me." Nick put a hand on Andy's shoulder. "We'll talk about this again soon." He turned and left Andy alone in his flat.

The days passed into weeks and Nick still had not approached Andy to talk about what happened. A few times their eyes had met and the question hung between them. Nick's eyes never betrayed any hint of his state of mind or which way Andy might expect the answer to fall.

Andy couldn't fault Nick either. The label reps who'd seen them on the tour had approached their managers to begin working on a contract for the band. Everyone was in good spirits through the process and they all dug in to start laying down rough ideas for songs. Andy still thought about Nick but he pushed it as far away as he could. He was determined not to force the issue again. He remembered his own soul-searching and how painful it had been to work out what he was and to accept it.

Word came from the label's head office that they wanted the band to come to London and sign the final contracts and they all spent the evening before they were to travel down to London at the Rum Runner playing a gig before partying with a number of their supporters. Andy played his usual game of chatting up the ladies and drinking hard.

In the crowded pub, Nick cornered Andy. "Andy, can I stay over at your place tonight?"

It took a great deal of self-control for Andy not to over-react. "Sure you can, Nick. You didn't fucking need to ask, you know!" Andy yelled back at Nick in the din.

"Good," Nick grinned, "Don't leave the party without me!" And then Nick disappeared again into the crowd and Andy ordered himself another pint.

They were both well along towards a drunken state when they left the pub and headed to Andy's place. Andy fumbled a bit with his key but eventually opened the door and let Nick in first. He closed and locked the door before following Nick to the sitting room. "You want the bed, Nick? I'm used to crashing on the couch."

Nick stood there, slightly unsteady on his feet. "No. First," He took a step towards Andy and motioned him closer. Andy obeyed. "I want you to know that I've been thinking. A lot."

"And what the fuck have you been thinking about, Nicky?" Andy's reply was slurred and he was grinning stupidly.

"You. And me." Nick grinned himself. "You," Nick pointed at Andy's chest.

"What about me?" Andy moved a little closer, the smell of beer and sweat permeated the room.

"You..." Nick closed his eyes and wavered a bit on his feet. Instead of trying to finish his thoughts, Nick grabbed Andy by the hand and pulled him to the bedroom.

"What the fuck are you doing, Nicky?" Andy asked, following obediently into his bedroom. He watched as Nick sat heavily on the end of the bed and stripped off his sweaty shirt and kicked off his shoes. Andy asked Nick again and was stopped from speaking by Nick's hand over his mouth. Nick's free hand tugged at Andy's shirt. Andy helped Nick remove his shirt and he kicked off his own shoes. "Nicky?" Andy tried to clear away some of the alcoholic cobwebs from his brain.

"You and I, Andy. I just want to share the bed with you. We'll talk in the morning." Nick grinned and pulled Andy over to the bed and into it. Nick lay beside Andy and tugged the sheets over them both. The small bed barely held the two of them.

"Nicky?" Andy stroked Nick's cheek and tried to focus on his eyes in the dimly lit room.

"I like when you call me that," Nick murmured and rested his head against Andy. Moments later, Andy heard Nick's breathing deepen in sleep. He kissed Nick's forehead and settled down to sleep himself.

~~~~

In the morning, Andy awoke and rubbed at his blurred eyes for a moment before realising that he was still sharing the bed with Nick. Andy's friend lay curled up against his body with one arm over his midriff. For a moment he panicked before working to calm himself. The night before was too hazy for him to remember much. Carefully he lifted the sheets and saw that both he and Nick were still wearing trousers. He let out a soft sigh. At least he hadn't taken advantage of Nick when he was drunk. Andy was in no hurry to move or wake up Nick.

It was quite a few minutes more before the phone rang loudly in the other room. The noise was enough to rouse Nick. Andy tensed up, waiting for Nick's reaction.

Confusion washed over Nick's face briefly until he took his bearings. "Andy?"

The phone rang again. Andy sighed. "Let me go answer the fucking phone. Probably Paul." Andy muttered and left the bedroom. He was assuring Paul on the phone that he was awake and that they would be ready in an hour to head down to London. Nick appeared in the doorway, one of Andy's shirts on in place of his stained shirt from yesterday. "Yeah, Nick was too fucking drunk to make it all the way to his place last night. He's here at my flat. Don't fucking worry, Paul, I'll make sure that he's ready to go too. See you in an hour, mate."

"Andy, last night..." Nick began to speak as soon as the phone was put down.

"Nothing happened, Nick. Don't worry."

"I'm sorry, Andy. I was too drunk to talk. I shouldn't have done that to you."

"Hey, don't fucking worry, Nick. We just slept was all. Nothing shameful about it." Andy shrugged but kept his eyes on Nick.

Nick stepped up to stand directly in front of Andy. "I wanted to talk to you, like I promised." Shyly, Nick put his hand on Andy's naked chest. "I've thought about it a lot, Andy. About what you said and about my own life. And the lies I've told myself over the years." Nick looked straight into Andy's gaze. "When you first saw me, what did you think of me?"

"I thought," Andy paused before continuing on, "I thought that you would be open to what I was, what I wanted."

"And you thought that I had eyes for John?"

"You know what I thought, Nick. You bruised my jaw for it too."

"I did, and I apologize for that." Nick stroked Andy's jaw. "And you were partly right. I did have eyes for John. But I've known him for years and I could only dream of being with him, Andy. That's why I punched you, for pointing out to me that I couldn't." Nick's eyes dropped to gaze at the floor. "I never imagined that you would be this way. You gave no indication at all. The tough guy from Newcastle who didn't take shit from anyone and would be the one least likely to be open to it."

"You knew then? That day I kissed you that you were queer?" Andy asked, hurt tinting his voice.

"Yes. I knew. I've always known. I didn't need time to sort that out about myself, Andy." Nick looked into Andy's blue eyes again. "I had to take time to tell myself that I couldn't have John, not now and not any time in the future."

"Where does that fucking leave us then?"

Nick turned away and looked vacantly out the small window of the flat and onto the quiet street below. "It leaves us both in a mess, I suppose."

"Fuck this, Nick. I'm not asking you to fall in love with me."

"Too late for that isn't it, Andy?" Nick said quietly.

"What are you saying, Nick?" Andy strode up behind Nick.

"I've wanted John for so damn long that I never thought to look elsewhere, and here you were under my nose all the time. I feel.. stupid.. that I missed it." Nick tried to explain. "These past few weeks I've really looked at the people around me differently. Accepting more of what I am and how I see others. Can you forgive me for finding out late in the game that I do think I love you?" Nick turned finally to face Andy.

Andy stood there, awestruck. "You do?"

"I do." Nick smiled at Andy.

"Really?" Andy asked again.

"Yes, really." Nick touched Andy's jaw softly. Andy's face creased into a smile. Their lips finally joined for a long, lingering kiss.

"You know," Andy said after they parted. "No one else can ever know about us. It's always going to be secret between us."

Nick's smile turned a bit sad. "I know." His fingertips ran over Andy's chest. "But when we do have time to be together I expect it to be memorable."

"Nick, why the fuck hadn't you told me this last night??" Andy asked. "We don't have time to enjoy the moment now!"

"Sorry?" Nick apologized. "We'll have to take care of that when we get back from London. One good thing, though."

"What's that, Nick?"

"We have plenty of reasons why we'd be together."

Andy laughed and kissed Nick again. "Fuck! We better get cleaned up. Paul's going to show up too fucking soon!"

~~~~~~~~

The band celebrated through the evening after they'd signed the contract with the label. After the club they'd been partying at closed they continued on back at their hotel suites. Each of them had their own room this time but the party congregated in John's room. It was a few more hours of drinking and partying before everyone began to scatter to their own rooms. Nick dissapeared well before Andy made his exit.

By a stroke of luck, their rooms were beside one anothers. In his room, Andy lit up another cigarette and thought about Nick in the room next door. "Fuck this.." Andy grumbled. He got up and left his room, slipping down the hallway to Nick's room. He knocked on it and got no answer. "Fuck.." He grumbled again. He tried the door to no avail before knocking a second time. This time he got a response and Nick, his hair dripping wet, opened the door. "Hey, you're still up."

"I was just in the shower." Nick explained and stepped back. "Come on in."

Andy turned to say something to Nick but stopped short when he saw Nick clad only in a towel. "Nick..." He finally stuttered.

Nick looked down at his state of undress.

 

"Let me just get..." Nick's words were cut off by Andy's hungry kiss. Out of breath, Andy pulled away but his hands lingered on Nick's pale shoulders.

"Nick, I want you." Andy's voice was low and husky. "God, how I want you.." Andy leaned in again, this time his lips kissed his friend's neck. Nick shuddered slightly as Andy's fingers brushed against his chest. Clumsily, Nick moved his own hands to touch Andy.

"Andy," Nick's voice was barely a whisper.

"Nicky," Andy murmured in return as he continued to explore the smooth flesh of the man he'd fantasized about.

"I've never..." Again his words trailed off as Andy's insistent lips found new sensitive spots on Nick's neck and shoulders.

Andy barely moved his lips from Nick as he spoke. "Don't worry, Nicky. It'll be more than you ever imagined it could be." His lips moved up the line of Nick's jaw before resting against the softness of Nick's earlobe. Andy's fingers were drawn to Nick's hair, running through the locks slowly. Nick began to feel his tension drawing away with each of Andy's kisses and he slipped his arms around Andy's waist. Their bodies moved closer together and Andy groaned softly in his throat.

"Not worried at all." Nick breathed and in the next breath he gasped as Andy's hand slid down his back to his buttocks.

Andy laughed roughly and stepped back away from Nick but holding onto his hands. He led Nick over to the bed and sat him down. Without a word he grabbed his shirt and pulled it off. Nick's eyes followed his every move as Andy next began to work on his jeans. Nick's face was flushed watching Andy strip for him until all he had on was his shorts. His body betrayed his feelings as the towel only highlighted his erection. Nick's gaze ran down Andy's naked chest to his crotch.

Silently, Andy stepped closer and caressed Nick's shoulders and arms. He leaned down, a finger under Nick's jaw to tilt his head back, and kissed Nick's lips with a greater passion. His reward was to find Nick's growing eagerness and ease under his touch. As they kissed, Andy straddled Nick's legs with his knees on the bed. His hand moved downwards over Nick's smooth chest and stomach until he found the soft hair trailing from Nick's navel. From there, his fingers traced a path to the edge of the towel and then to the bulge that threatened against the terrycloth.

Nick's throat thrummed with a moan as Andy's hand cupped his genitals through the towel. "No one's ever touched me this way." Nick said in a whisper.

"No one's ever wanted you this way." Andy replied before instructing Nick, "Lie back on the bed." Nick obeyed and lay there. He closed his eyes and waited for his lover's next move. Cool air brushed against his skin as Andy removed the towel from Nick's waist. Andy made an approving noise and the bed moved slightly as he knelt on the floor between Nick's overhanging legs. Nick was pulled towards the edge of the bed by Andy's strong grasp.

Andy's desire was too strong to fight any longer and he abandoned any thought of slow progress. His mouth quickly engulfed the hardened member of his lover. Nick's panting and gasps drove Andy on, his sucking and licking mirroring his own urges as his hand worked on his own erection. Too soon, Nick's body was trembling and he came almost violently. A smile creased Andy's face as he watched Nick's chest rising and falling rapidly in the aftermath of his orgasm. Andy moved onto the bed, kneeling beside Nick. His shorts had long been removed and he was naked in front of Nick.

Still somewhat shy, Nick reached out and took hold of Andy's erection. Andy urged him on as Nick began to stroke the length of Andy's member. With his eyes no more than open a crack, Andy moaned and directed Nick in his efforts until he came himself. He cried out between clenched teeth before collapsing beside Nick on the bed.

Their eyes caught one another's gazes. "What do you think now, Nicky?" Andy asked as he grabbed the towel and cleaned them both off.

"Is there more?" Nick giggled nervously.

"Lots more, Nicky. Fucking more than you can imagine." Andy grinned and they kissed passionately again.

"Show me? Please?" Nick ran his hand through Andy's short blonde hair.

"A horny bastard are ya?"

"Just glad to finally find the right man." Nick's smile was huge.

Andy turned onto his side to face Nick. "Nicky, you know that this can only ever be secret?"

Nick's smile dropped a bit as he nodded. "I know, Andy. I know." He kissed Andy's lips softly. "These times we do get to be together I want them to be so special."

"They will be, Nicky." Andy gathered Nick into his arms and held him.

"I love you, Andy." Nick whispered softly. Andy's breath caught in his throat. In response, Andy kissed Nick and held him tighter. It was only after Nick had fallen asleep in his arms that Andy whispered, "I love you too, Nicky."


	2. Trilogy: Apple of My Eye

Apple of my Eye

"I don't need another fucking computer, Nick." Andy grumbled loudly. I just rolled my eyes at what was about to happen.

"You are going to get a computer and that's the end of it. As we get the new website up, you'll need to get to your emails a lot more. We'll just go and get you a Mac and set you all up." Nick was cool, but anyone could hear the hard edge to his voice that said, don't argue with me. Anyone, that is, except Andy. I cringed as I saw Andy get ready to go against Nick's orders.

"My son has a PC. I use it when I need to. I have no desire whatsofuckingever to have another computer." Andy got in Nick's face and I knew right then that this was going to be a long argument. I left them to their arguing and got myself another cup of tea. When I got back they were still at it. Nick was pulling out his favourite line just as I got there.

"A Mac is easy to use, reliable and everyone else has one. Then when you have a problem with it, anyone of us can help you out." Nick crossed his arms across his chest to close the discussion. "We'll go out tomorrow to the shop I use and get you set up."

"Tomorrow?? No fucking way, Nick! I'm going home tomorrow for the weekend." Andy went red at this news.

"You can leave after we've gotten you sorted out with a computer."

"Nick!"

"Enough Andy! You're getting a computer tomorrow and that's it." Nick cut him off. Typical of Nick, I wondered why Andy just didn't accept it and move on by now. "I'll be by your flat tomorrow around noon to go to the shop. Try not to be hung over." Nick left Andy with his jaw open and left the room. I had to fight to hold back my chuckle.

"Easy for you to sit there and laugh." Andy spat at me.

"Why do you let him wind you up, Andy? Just get the computer and make him happy." I sipped at my tea. "We all have to put up with his boss complex. And you know that a lot of the times he comes up with some damn good ideas."

"Simon, I don't want a computer. I never have." Andy paced the room to burn off his anger. "And I promised my son I'd be home for the weekend."

"Your son will understand if you just mention Nick's involved. Just like all of my kids. Or Roger's kids. Andy, just go with Nick, get the damn computer take it home and give it to your son to play with. Then all you need to do is use it every so often to answer emails." I got up and stopped Andy's pacing with a hand on his forearm. "Trust me. It's easier than arguing with him."

"Fuck off, Simon. I don't want a computer and I'll be fucking damned if I'm going to let Nick win this time." Andy was practically growling as he wrenched his arm from my hand. "I'm in a fucking band not a corporate venture!"

"For Nick, those are the same thing." I pointed out to him. I looked at my watch. "Anyway, I have to go, promised the girls that I'd be home for dinner tonight. Talk to you next week, mate." I left him to stew and went home.

~~~~~

"Simon, Nick's on the phone for you!" Yasmin called out from downstairs. I put my book down and picked up the phone, "Hullo, Nick. What's up?"

"Can you come and give me a lift over to Andy's and then to the shop? My usual driver is ill today."

"Sure thing. Give me about 10 minutes to get over there."

"Thanks," Nick hung up and I stood up from my reading chair. I headed downstairs and grabbed my jacket.

"What was that about, Simon?" Yasmin asked from the kitchen.

"Nick just needs a lift somewhere. I'll be back in a little while." I kissed her and left the house. The ride was uneventful until we got to Andy's flat.

"Where the fuck have you been!" Andy griped as he opened the door at our knock. "You said fucking noon and it's almost one!"

"Andy, please, it wasn't... " Nick tried to explain but Andy brushed by him and towards the car.

"I want to get this fucking done and over with so I can go home! And trust you to be involved too!" He turned his glare to me too.

"Just helping out this time, Andy. Sooner we get going, the sooner we get you on the road home."

"Damn fucking right!" He stormed into the car and glared out the window as Nick settled in the back seat beside him. I just shook my head and got in the driver's seat.

"Just don't kill each other back there. Blood stains the upholstery." I pulled away and drove through the streets of London to the computer shop that Nick frequented. Neither of them spoke the whole way there. I couldn't help but wonder why Nick was making a big issue out of this. I could almost see the sense in wanting Andy brought up to speed a bit more on what he'd have to do online more, but to me, I didn't think that he'd particularly have to use a Mac. Nick probably had something in mind that he hadn't told us all yet, I surmised.

At the shop, I shadowed them as Nick explained to the fellow what he required on the computer. Not until the computer fellow asked Andy a series of questions about security passwords did I understand why Andy was needed for this. I got bored quickly and went browsing around the store. Every so often I could hear Andy barking at Nick and Nick ordering him about against his will. I laughed silently after one exchange. You'd almost think they were married the way they carried on at times.

I picked up a few gadgets myself before we headed back to Andy's place.

"Was that so bad, Andy?" Nick asked smugly.

"Yes, it was. I've lost an extra fucking hour off my weekend with my family. All because of some fucking stupid computer that you think I need." I watched for Nick's reaction to that in the rearview mirror.

"You'll get over it." Nick said calmly, patting Andy on the leg.

And that surprised the hell out of me. Or rather, what surprised the hell out of me was that Andy didn't go ballistic when Nick touched him. Especially like that. Hell, when did I ever see Nick touching anyone like that? I shook my head, I was reading too much into this. They were both sitting in the back seat cool as ever to each other. Must be my damned imagination working overtime again, I thought to myself.

I dropped Andy at his place and then drove off with Nick to his place. "What have you been cooking up now, Nick?" I asked as we waited at a red light.

"Me? Why would I have anything cooking?" Nick answered. "I just want to ensure that Andy is involved in this new website is all. It seemed the appropriate means to ensure that was to have him on the same page as the rest of us. He'll see the sense in it soon enough."

"Unless you're thinking of a radical change, a PC would have sufficed for him." I pointed out.

"With the programs we'll be working with, the Mac versions are incredibly more reliable. Push button technology, Simon, instant interaction with more security."

"Let's not get too interactive with the fans, mate."

"Don't worry, Simon. It's still in development right now but once you see the final product you'll understand." Nick's eyes gleamed.

"We'll see about that." I replied. We pulled up at his flat and he got out of the car. "See you next week, Nick."

"You too, Simon. Bye!"

~~~~~

Monday rolled around and I headed into the studio with the others. I had forgotten all about the previous week's tensions between Nick and Andy until Andy arrived with a black look on his face. "What's up, mate?" I asked, hoping to defuse the anger before it could boil over on him.

"The usual shit, Simon. Nick called a dozen times over the fucking weekend. All about details for this fucking computer." Andy threw himself onto a couch and lit up a cigarette. "I want to kill the fucker, Simon. Kill him so I can spend a quiet fucking weekend with my family. Is that such a fucking hard concept?"

"Nick is just..."

"Stop defending the prick, Simon." Andy growled. "This is one of the reasons why I bailed the last time. He can't fucking leave off the band for just a day. I am not a fucking robot!"

I threw up my hands in surrender. "You're getting all wound up again, Andy. And that's not good at all."

"He fucking called me at two in the fucking morning, Simon! To talk to me about some fucking setting on the damn thing that he just remembered about." I flinched at how angry Andy was and for once I didn't blame him. And of course, who would show up on the heels of that statement?

"Morning Simon, Andy." Nick sauntered into the studio.

"Good fucking morning to you too," Andy scowled as he stubbed his cigarette out in the closest ashtray.

"Look you two, we're here to work, remember? Music…band…recording." I cut in before they could get to yelling again. Andy didn't say a word but stormed off to the recording booth. "Nick, is this all worth it? You're running the risk of driving him away again."

"Don't fret about it, Simon. This time he won't be leaving at all. I'll make sure of it." Nick's eyes followed Andy's figure as he left the room. "Very sure of it." He mumbled and followed Andy. My brows furrowed as I tried to puzzle that comment out. I gave up and joined the others.

~~~~~

"Simon," Andy caught up to me in the parking lot a week later. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure, what can I do for you?"

"I want you to do me a favour." Andy asked. His eyes were darting back to the studio.

"What do you need?" I asked, curious as hell.

"You know that fucking computer Nick's set me up with?" I nodded. Andy continued, "It's being delivered to my flat tomorrow and Nick wants to be there to oversee the whole thing. Can you ..." Andy went silent for a moment.

"Can I what?" I prompted.

"Can you come over to my flat while they're delivering and setting it up?"

"What do you need me around for? The computer guy will just show you how to plug things in and get you started on it."

"I can't really explain it, Simon, but I just want someone else there, okay?" He scuffed his foot against the car tire. "Look, I'm just afraid that I might get pissed off or something. Nick gets on my nerves, you know that. And with the computer and all..."

I sighed, "Alright, I'll come along and be the referee. Can't go letting the guitarist and keyboard kill each other, can we?"

"Thanks, mate." Andy punched me in the shoulder before taking off back into the studio. I rolled my eyes and left for home.

~~~~~

The next morning I arrived at the studio to see Andy already there before anyone else. "You're here early." I commented as I fixed up some tea. I gestured to Andy to ask if he wanted some as well and he nodded. I grabbed an extra tea cup and busied myself with making up tea for both of us.

"Couldn't really sleep last night." Andy finally said. "Nick called me last night. Late of course."

"He's been calling you a lot lately." I observed.

"Too damn fucking much, that's what I'd say." Andy grumbled. "And it's always about things that could wait until the morning, but because he's got them in his fucking head he has to tell them to someone. So he calls me. Says he doesn't want to disturb the others because of their kids, but because I'm on my own in the flat he thinks nothing of calling me. I just want to sleep a fucking night through without him calling me up!"

"I'll try to speak to him if you want me to, Andy." I offered.

"He keeps offering me that guest room of his. Be easier to talk to me there rather than calling me up." Andy pulled a flask from his jacket and poured a generous amount of alcohol into his tea. "I'm almost tempted to take him up on the offer. Then I could shut him up with my fist rather than busting another phone."

"Now, Andy, don't go on like that." I sat down across from him at the table. "And you shouldn't be drinking so much this early in the day."

"Isn't it enough that I dress the way he tells me? And now he wants me living the way he wants me too? I swear, if he tries to tell me I can't drink my beer anymore..." He took off his glasses to rub at his eyes. "I just want to make music and have a good time. If he wants to make a big fucking deal about it he can, but not me." Andy topped up his tea with more of the alcohol.

"Do you want me to talk to him, Andy?" I asked. This was getting bad and the last thing we needed as a band was for Andy to go off again.

"And say what, Simon? Stop calling me? Like that'll work." Andy ran a hand through his hair. "Just forget I bothered you okay?" He got up and left me sitting there. Forgetting this was the last thing I was going to do.

~~~~~

Andy walked past me out of the studio. "See you in a little bit, right? My flat?"

I looked up from the lyrics I had been tweaking, "Right. In a little bit, I'll be there. I just want to finish these few lines first." I bent back to my work and didn't notice the time until my cell phone rang. "Shit, I was supposed to be at Andy's by now!" I muttered and answered the phone. I grabbed my jacket and got in my car as I talked to Yasmin about the girls and their plans to have a sleepover. Traffic of course held me up even longer and by the time I arrived at Andy's flat, no cars were parked in front. "Damn, the guy's been and gone. Wonder if Nick's still there. Or if he's alive..." I parked and ran up the flight of stairs to Andy's flat.

"Andy? Nick? Sorry I'm late!" I called out as I let myself into Andy's flat. "Andy?? Nick?? Where are you guys?"

"In here, Simon!" Andy's voice cracked and I followed it down the hall to the spare room. A desk had been set in there and the computer - laptop actually - had been set up. Nick was leaning against the desk with a smug look on his face but Andy looked a bit pale. "What kept you?"

"Got working on my lyrics. Nice to see you two haven't killed each other yet. How's the computer, Andy?"

Nick rested his hand on Andy's shoulder, "I think Andy's getting the hang of it already. I told you it wouldn't be such a bad thing to have about the place." Andy refused to look up at Nick. "Just remember, Andy, give me a call anytime you need a hand okay? I'll be off now. See you tomorrow Simon." Nick breezed out of the room and down the stairs.

"Andy? What the hell was that all about?"

"Nothing." His hand was shaking as he shut down the laptop. "He just gets me so mad and then I can't think straight…" Andy gulped and let the rest of his thought die.

"What's going on? Andy, what did Nick say to you?"

"He's said nothing other than shit about this computer." Andy pushed angrily away from the desk and past me to the kitchen. I followed him and caught him before he could start drinking the beer in his hand.

"Is getting pissed going to help?"

"Yes, it will! You weren't around when I needed you, damn it! Where the fuck were you???" Andy turned on me like a raging bull. His finger pounded into my shoulder as he barked. "I was counting on you to be here and you weren't! And now I've got to put up with more of that fucking little arsebandit's antics!"

"What the fuck are you saying, Andy?" I looked at him in shock.

"I'm saying... " Andy stumbled and pushed past Simon to flop on the couch in the sitting room. "He's driving me fucking mad, Simon. All about this... this... fucking computer! I want to be done with the whole thing and go back home to my family and... and... just be!"

"Are you saying you want out, Andy?" I asked. "Over a computer?"

"Yes!" Andy rubbed at his eyes again. "No! Fuck this, Simon! I want Nick off my fucking back so I can just play the guitar. I don't want the computer! And I don't want him calling me all the damn time!"

"What the hell do you want me to do, Andy? I've asked you if you want me to talk to Nick but you tell me no. How am I going to help you if you won't let me!"

"Just…go!" Andy barked. "I'm taking tomorrow off. I won't be in the studio. Just... leave me alone!"

"Andy..." I tried to say something but he just waved me off. I left, shaking my head.

~~~~

True to his word, Andy didn't show up at the studio the next day, but Nick did, and looking as smug as ever. It took some doing, but I managed to corner Nick without John around to overhear. "Lay off bothering Andy, Nick. You're pushing him all the wrong way."

"What are you talking about, Simon?" Nick put on his most innocent face for me.

"Knock that off, Nick. You're driving Andy crazy with all this computer shit and calling him. He just wants to play in the band. Just let him do that. The rest of it will come when it's time for him to get into the interviews and that again. But just let him play right now."

"Simon, I appreciate that you have Andy's best interests in mind but you know as well as I that there's more to the band than just playing. He's upset because it's something he doesn't want to bother learning. If we get him used to it now, then when he does have to be more responsible about it later, we won't have these fights. You know as well as I do, that Andy can be the most stubborn of any of us."

"He's not some horse that needs breaking, Nick! Back off a bit and let him be himself."

"You're right, Simon. He isn't a horse. He's a man that needs to learn. And I'm going to teach him what he needs to know."

"Don't push him over, Nick. That's all I'm saying. Because if he leaves, it's the end of this group. You know that as well as any of us."

"I told you Simon, Andy is not going to leave. I promise you." Nick smiled and left me standing alone. Somehow, I just couldn't believe him.

~~~~~~~

Andy came back to the studio the next day, very hung over. Nick was gracious enough to fix him up something to help and for once the session went well. The only time Nick spoke to Andy aside from discussions about music was at the end of the day if he wanted to share a cab. I smiled a bit as Andy agreed. Obviously talking to Nick had helped Andy out, I thought to myself. Nick just went too all out on things and others just couldn't cope, especially not Andy sometimes.

I stayed back again to work on some lyrics before heading home. On a whim, I decided to stop by and see how Andy was doing. I pulled up at his place and was surprised to see Nick exiting the building as I parked. Before I could say anything, Nick hopped into the cab and left. Curious, I headed upstairs to Andy's flat. I knocked on the door and found it open. I stepped in and called out for Andy. "Andy?" I heard some noise in the bathroom and headed towards it. The door was locked and I could hear Andy retching. "Andy? You okay?"

"Be out in a sec." Was all I heard through the door. I waited, hearing the sounds of Andy washing up before he emerged.

"You okay, mate?"

"I am…now." Andy's voice was shaky. I helped him into the sitting room to sit down before returning to the kitchen and fetching him a beer. I came back and handed it to him.

"Nick just left here." I observed as he took a long drink of his beer.

"Yeah…he helped me up the stairs. We uh…stopped for something to eat on the way home and I think the chicken wasn't cooked right. Damn restaurants…the ones back home aren't this bad."

"You and him are getting along okay?" I asked, still a bit curious. Too many things were too odd lately.

"Better than before anyway. He's happy now."

"And what about you?"

"He's not calling me as much. You were right. He just wanted to have his way, didn't he? The fucking bastard." Andy's eyes stay fixed on the bottle in his hand. I sat in the silence with Andy for a few minutes, watching him drink. I couldn't tell if he was waiting to say something to me or if he was hoping I'd leave before he did speak. "I hate him, you know. I wish to fucking God sometimes that I'd never gotten involved with him."

"You mean Nick?" I prompted.

"Yeah, Nick." Andy went back to his brooding.

"You don't really hate him do you?"

"Yeah, I fucking do hate him. I hate him for changing me. Changing the way I am." Andy emptied the bottle of beer and got up. I sat there and heard him grab another bottle out of the fridge and come back to the sitting room. "Know what I hate the most? I hate the fact that every single fucking time he makes me mad as hell and then we still can make such fucking good songs."

"You don't have to let him wind you up, Andy. You and Nick are like oil and vinegar. You just aren't going to get along. That's why we all make music so well together, because we are so different. Just you and Nick are the polar extremes."

"Doesn't mean I have to fucking like it."

~~~~~

I had left Andy's place reassured that things were smoothed over, or about as smooth as you could expect from those two. And the next few days fell into a predictable pattern of recording and writing. The peace stretched into a couple of weeks, so predictable that the next explosion between Nick and Andy caught me off guard.

We were winding down the sessions for a two week break and John and Roger had already left to go back to their respective homes. Andy put down his guitar and stretched. "Well, you two. I'm off."

"I thought you weren't leaving to go home until tomorrow?" Nick asked, looking up sharply at Andy.

"I managed to get a seat on an earlier train. Be nice to surprise my family."

"I was going to come over tonight and…"

"You aren't. Not tonight. I'm heading home." Andy pulled on his jacket. "I'm on break for two weeks. That means a break from you as well!"

"We'll talk about this on the way in the cab, Andy." Nick had shot me a look and a darkness shadowed his eyes. I had been standing there quietly listening to their exchange. A lot of this was starting to make me wonder what was really going on.

"I'm not going to my flat…or yours. I'm going to the train station."

"And you didn't see fit to inform me of this change?" I could tell that Nick was about to go ballistic himself.

"Nick, fuck off." Andy turned his back on us and left the studio. Nick was about to run after him when I grabbed him by the arm and stopped him.

"What do you think you're doing?" Nick tried to wrench himself free, but he couldn't match my strength.

"Let him be, Nick. Let him be."

"You have no cause to be involved in this." Nick snapped at me.

"Oh? And what does this all involve then? Care to tell me." I arched my eyebrow at him, inviting him to answer me. "Since that bloody computer argument you've been on him all the time."

"It's none of your business, Simon." Nick finally freed his arm from my grasp.

"It's all of our business if you push Andy to bailing on the band." I warned him again. "I don't know what game you're playing with him, Nick but I am telling you here and now that I won't stand by and do nothing while you push him too far."

"And you think he's got nothing to do with this? You've been at my heels the whole time and frankly, I'm a bit tired of it, Simon. This is between Andy and I and it has nothing to do with you or the band so back off." He didn't give me a chance to respond, but breezed past me and out the door. I was left there to wonder what exactly was going on between the two of them. Nick wasn't going to say anything more, I could tell that. It would have to wait until Andy came back from home in two weeks.

~~~~~

I spent the next week at home with the girls and Yasmin. Only in the evenings when I sat in my study trying to write did my thoughts wander back to that last conversation with Nick. It was as if pieces were starting to all fall into place. Yasmin came in one night when it was late and sat with me. I couldn't hide from her what I was thinking and at her urging I told her all that I'd seen and heard from them during the sessions.

"What do you make of it all?" Yasmin asked as I finished.

"Honestly, I don't know. They both are so... mercurial. Sometimes I think that it's just another one of those personality conflicts that we'll have to work through and then at other times I wonder if it's more than that."

"But you've known them both for a long time and you can't imagine it being anything else other than it being them butting heads?"

I nodded. "Nick just seems so damn smug about Andy not leaving the band but he never explains why. And Andy is just so bloody angry all the time, but not angry in a way I've seen before. It's not like him to keep what's bugging him all bottled inside."

"They are two grown men. You should leave it to them to sort out their differences."

"But Andy's tried to talk to me before.When I didn't show up to his flat on time, I think I let him down somehow." I sighed. "They're both my dear friends, Yas, and it's bothering me that they're hiding something from me that's obviously causing them problems."

"If I know you, Simon, you'll be there to help them out no matter what the problems." She bent down behind me and kissed me on the cheek and left me to my thoughts again.

What could be the problem? I wish I knew for certain what it was.

~~~~~~

"Is your father home, darlin'?" Andy's voice drifted from the front door to where I sat at the kitchen table helping one of my daughter's with some homework. As my youngest darted into the room pulling Andy along behind her, I got up.

"Andy? You're back in London early. What's up, mate?"

"Can we talk in private, Simon?" Andy was practically begging me.

"Sure, we'll go to my study." I led him into my upstairs den and motioned him to have a seat on one side of the fireplace. I made myself comfortable and waited for him to talk.

"I took that laptop home with me," Andy started. "You know what you said? Give it to my son and let him play with it and just use it when I had to?" I nodded in answer to his question. "Well... he found some stuff on it. Stuff that I... and Nick…had discussed." Andy went pale.

"What did you and Nick discuss that wound up on the computer?"

Andy got up and began to pace. "He rigged that fucking laptop, Simon. He rigged it to record everything I ever said when it was on. And that prick made sure that computer was on every time he came over to my flat."

"You mean Nick bugged your computer." I was thrown by this news. "Could it have been some defect with the computer?"

"My son knows enough about computers to know what programs do what. He was having a sniff round the thing figuring out how it works and all. He found some big files on it... big audio files. He played them. Thank fucking Christ my wife wasn't at home. My son's agreed not to say anything yet about what he heard. I just wanted to come to you and let you know what's been going on and then..." Andy stopped his pacing and stared into the cold fireplace. "Then I'll be leaving the band for good. I want you to tell the others for me."

"Leave the band? Why?"

"Here. My son copied the files onto this disc." Andy reached into his pocket and pulled out a computer disc. "That'll explain it."

I took the disc from him and put it in the small stereo I kept in my study. The quality wasn't the best but it was clear enough for anyone to hear what went on.

Andy: Are you happy now, Nick? I've got the fucking computer. Will you leave me the fuck alone now?

Nick: Why would I want to leave you alone, Andy? I got the computer for you so we could stay in touch more often.

Andy: Fuck off, Nick. Why don't you go pester John or Simon? We don't have anything in common outside the band. What are you doing? Get your fucking hand off me.

I heard the sound of a table getting bumped into.

Nick: Andy, hush. None of the others need ever know. Think of this as a new start.

Andy: There is no new start, Nick. I thought I made that obvious when I walked away the last time. It was over then and it's over now. Over before it ever gets started again.

Nick: Come off it, Andy. I know who you're looking at all the time behind those shades of yours. Hiding how you felt was always hard for you. (Nick chuckled at his own words on the recording.) There's no one here to see or hear what we do. Your son's grown up so you don't have to hide what you are anymore. You can even stay here in this flat. We'd be close enough this way and no one need ever know what we do behind closed doors.

Andy: I'm done with that, Nick. I'm not the same man as I was. What happened before shouldn't have happened, but it did. I'm sorry if you're hurt because I turned my back on you, but I had to do it. I can't live that way. You might be able to, but I can't. Nick… please, don't.

I held my breath at the tone of Andy's voice on the recording. I glanced over at Andy, but his back was turned to me. The recording continued with the sounds of a hand rubbing against cloth and the soft sounds of lips brushing against skin barely audible.

Nick: You say you don't but your body says otherwise, Andy.

The next sound I heard was the unmistakable sound of a zipper being undone. I reached over and turned the player off. "Andy, I don't know what to say."

"Before I got married to Tracey, Nick and I had sex together on a regular basis. It was stupid and I never should have gotten involved. Even back then Nick knew how to bend me to do what he wanted. I was high the first time. Looking back, I don't think Nick was, but I was high and it was a lark. Since then, he has held it over me and got me to do whatever he wanted."

"He raped you?" My face went white at the thought.

"Oh no! He never did that. I was as willing as he was. And he made it sound so fucking perfect. He'd say, no one would ever think of us doing this because we never get along. It's the perfect cover. And the perfect blackmail too. Him and that fucking camera. And now this fucking computer." I watched him take up his pacing.

"That day when I walked in and you were sick..."

"Yeah, Nick had followed me up to my flat and I got him off. Before he left he reminded me of the photos he had. He even left me one. Told me that they'd all be handed over to me if I moved to London." Andy slumped his shoulders as he leaned against the mantle, his hand running through his hair.

"Nick can't use you this way, Andy. I'll do everything I can to help." I offered.

"Unless you know of a way to stop me wanting him as much as he wants me Simon then there's nothing you can do." Andy's voice broke as he confessed. "He knows how I feel and he's always on me to stop hiding from myself and just come clean. Maybe I'm crazy... I don't fucking know. But no matter how much I enjoy it, a part of me wants nothing to do with it. When I was younger it didn't bother me so much but now. I puke every time. Every single fucking time he is with me and we do anything I puke the second he leaves. Getting drunk doesn't help me either. And I can't go back to the drugs."

"If you care about him..."

"That's the problem, Simon!" Andy raised his voice. "I don't fucking love him! I only want to fuck him! He's the one who wants all the romance and other fucking shit! I can't give him that! And he fucking knows it! So he uses his pictures and shit to grab me by my fucking balls and pull me into his own little romance fucking fantasy! Nick can't be fucking happy until I bloody fall in love with him! And I let him fuck me around simply because I enjoy fucking him in the bloody arse!" Andy finished his ranting, falling into the chair. I sat there stunned. "I don't love him, Simon. I never have. But he can't accept it. He wants the sex and the romance. He'll lie there afterwards, fawning over me, telling me how fucking much he loves me and wants me to be with him. And all I think about is wanting to get him the hell to be quiet so I can get some fucking sleep."

What could I say to him? I was at a loss for words.

"I know I'm going to be a coward and run from this. Just like I did before. But Nick won't see it any other way. If I try to talk to him he turns it around and we wind up fucking. Then he goes on and on about how if I didn't love him I wouldn't agree to all the sex. I can't fight him, Simon. I can't stop myself. The only way I know how is to walk away and leave him."

"Can't you just not... fuck... him?" I winced at how I was trying to say what I wanted to say. "What I mean is, just not put yourself in a position where he can take advantage of you?"

"I've tried, Simon. That's why I was using you. If you were there, he wouldn't make a move on me. But you didn't show up and he got me. He pulled me right back into it."

"So you're going to leave the band?" I asked, hoping I wouldn't hear the answer.

"I have to, Simon. I don't know any other way to convince Nick that I don't want any part of the world he wants to create."

"Let me talk to Nick."

"No!" Andy shot up from the chair. "Just tell him I'm gone and I'm not coming back. He'll know. It's best this way."

"It isn't the best, Andy! What about the band? It's not just you and Nick. It's all five of us." I got up and put a hand on his shoulder. "Trust me, Andy. Let me talk to him about this. I swear to you, if I can't get him to understand then we'll talk about you leaving ok?"

"You won't succeed. Nick'll not be happy until he gets his way."

"You have to at least give me the chance to try, Andy." I waited until he nodded. "Stay here tonight. I won't tell Nick you're in London."

"Thanks, mate."

After a quick conversation with Yasmin, I helped Andy settle into the guest room and called Nick. He was a bit surprised, but he invited me over to his place to talk. Before I left, I grabbed the cd from my stereo and brought it with me.

Nick opened the door for me when I got to his flat. "Why the sudden need to talk to me, Simon? We are on a break you know."

"I know. But something's come up that we have to talk about." I shrugged my jacket off and held up the cd. "Andy sent me this."

"Has he been recording back home? The devil!" Nick grinned until he saw the look on my face. "What's going on, Simon."

"He's told me everything, Nick, or rather, enough of everything for me to know what's been going on between you two. And he's also told me that he wants to leave the band again."

Nick's face went hard and cold as I spoke. "Do you actually believe that story of his Simon?"

"He didn't have to tell me anything after I heard this." I went over to Nick's stereo and put the cd in. As their recorded words floated through the speakers, Nick went white. I shut it off quickly and removed the cd, holding on to it. I didn't want to hear anymore than I had already. "How could you, Nick? How in hell could you even THINK of blackmailing him into something he didn't want!"

"It was consensual sex, Simon. It always has been." Nick sat down.

"I know it was, Nick. But you're trying to corner him into being something he isn't and that is your house mate!" I towered over Nick in his chair. "You're toying with his emotions, Nick. You're pulling him where he doesn't want to go. Why?"

"Because I love him, damnit! There. Are you happy? I've admitted it. I love Andy! I have from the beginning. All I want is to have him with me so that we can be happy together. He's running away from what we share. All I'm trying to do is show him that it doesn't have to be that way. He should embrace what we have together."

"You have sex together, Nick. He's told me that he doesn't love you!"

Nick sat there, a crushed look in his eyes. "He said what?"

"He said he doesn't love you. He only wants the sex." I repeated what Andy had told me.

Nick was silent as I stood there. Instead of raging anger, Nick just sat there. "Excuse me." He got up and walked past me. I heard him in the bathroom and after a moment he came back, a box clutched in his hands. "Here, you tell me. You look at these and you tell me what you think." He thrust the box at me and sat back down. I opened it and took out a handful of photos. I flipped through them, expecting the worst. What I found in the images was a far cry different from what I thought. Pictures of the two of them in private, laughing, carrying on. Andy smiling more than I had ever seen him before. Nick happy in his arms, as they both hammed it up for the camera. The pictures ranged from the earliest days to some more recent. A few of them had a date from just a few weeks ago. Taken in Andy's flat. In one picture, I could see the computer in the background as Andy and Nick posed for the camera, Andy's lips pressing against Nick's cheek as Nick had his arms wrapped around him. I looked up and was surprised to see Nick crying.

"Why would he do this?" I asked.

"He did it before. The first time he left." Nick quietly wiped the tears from his cheeks. "He's always been afraid of our relationship. Surely you heard on the cd how he felt about me."

"All I heard was you blackmailing him, Nick. I don't want to listen to any more than I have to."

Nick took the cd from me and put it back in the stereo. "You listen. You listen to him and how he feels about me." Nick stabbed the stereo button, turning it on. He forwarded it to another track. Obviously it was another night.

Nick: We had a good day in the studio today. (In the background I heard a door close.) What do you want me to make you for dinner, Andy?

Andy: Anything you like, Nick. You're the one stocking my ice box anyway! (Andy's voice was muffled.)

Nick: (laughter) Well, maybe I'll have to stock your wine cellar too! We've used it all up. And I am NOT drinking that beer you're so fond of. (In the background I heard footsteps and then a shriek from Nick.) Andy!

Andy: Worry about dinner after, Nick. I want to work up an appetite. (I heard Andy growling, muffled. I glanced up at Nick and saw him blushing.)

Nick: Hungry for something else, then are you?

Andy: I'm always hungry for you, Nicky. (a muffled kiss could be made out on the cd) I've missed you, Nicky. I've missed us together.

Nick: I've always been here for you, love. All you had to do was come to me.

Andy: I'm here now, Nick.

I reached over and turned it off. "Nick, I don't know. Andy seems so…adamant about it being the other way round." I sat down, confused. "From what I've heard, Andy does care about you…and you care about him. But he shows up at my door saying you're blackmailing him and all he wants is the sex."

Nick looked sheepish as I spoke. "I know why he's doing this."

"Why?" I asked, puzzled.

"I asked him to move in with me." Nick got up from his chair and picked up the box of photos. "I've only asked him twice to move in with me."

"And he ran away the last time too… didn't he?" The pieces started to fall into place. "He ran away in the middle of the recording sessions after you asked him to move in with you." I sat back in the chair and grimaced.

"Please, Simon. You have to convince him to talk to me again. If he wants, you can be there too. You know everything anyway so what we say won't matter. Take these to him. Tell him…tell him I'll do anything not to lose him again like I did the last time." Nick thrust the box of photos back at me.

"Nick, his son knows about everything too. It was his son who found the files on the computer."

"His son? Knows?" Nick's voice was barely a whisper. "But no one else was to ever use that computer. I told Andy that."

"He let his son use the laptop. He found the files. Andy thought you were blackmailing him. That's why he came to me with this."

"Oh God." Nick moaned, tears springing from his eyes again. "I never meant it that way! I never meant for his family to find out this way."

"Come on." I got up and grabbed my jacket. "You're coming with me."

"What?" Nick looked up. "Where?"

"You're coming to my place. Andy's there. We're going to work this out now before either of you do something you'll regret." I practically dragged him from his apartment and into my car. It was a silent ride back to my place and when we got there, Nick was reluctant to get out of the car. "Come on, Nick. This is long overdue between you two."

I ushered Nick into my study and then went to the guestroom. Andy was sitting up watching TV. "Simon? How'd it go with Nick?"

"You, up. We have to talk and now."

Andy was perturbed but he got up and I led him to my study, following him in. I closed the door behind me and prevented Andy from leaving. Nick stood up from the chair he was in as Andy stepped into the room.

"Simon! You told me you wouldn't tell him I was here!" Andy turned to face me.

"Andy, I'm sorry." Nick came over to stand beside Andy. His hand rested on Andy's arm for a moment before Andy jerked it away. The pained look on Nick's face hurt me.

"You two have to work this out." I said. "It's up to you if you want me to stay here with you or leave the room. But either way, you two are working this out tonight. No more lies. No more deception. Just be honest with each other."

"Fine!" Andy barked. "Nick, I've had it! It's over. Done. Do what you want with your damn photos and your damn spying. I'm done with you and I'm done with the band. You've ruined my life!"

Nick flinched visibly at Andy's harsh words but he let Andy vent. "I'm sorry, Andy. I hurt you and I never meant to do that. I thought it would be different. We're older now and I thought that maybe things could be different for us. I understand that you aren't ready for things to change and that you may never be ready for it to change. I was selfish, thinking only of having you with me all the time."

"And are you going to explain that to my son? To my wife? Why the fuck did you set that laptop to record in the first place?" Andy shot back.

"I wanted to surprise you. I wanted to have something more than just photos. I knew you'd never have wanted to do video recording, so I did audio. I never thought that you'd give the computer to your son. I told you that only you were to use it! You didn't listen!" Nick put a hand on Andy's chest. "I love you, Andy. I always have and I always will. Every time we're together, I cherish it. I want to remember it forever. I was hurt when you ran away last time, but I could understand why you did it. You came back and it was all still there. You can't deny it anymore. After so many years and you still slipped back into the old habits. I took it as fate."

"You took too much, Nick!" Andy turned his back on Nick. "You wanted too much! I have to go back to my wife and my son and try to repair the damage now." Andy grabbed the box of photos. "Weren't these enough?" He grabbed a handful of them, spilling them on the floor. "Weren't they?!"

"I couldn't have you for myself, could I!" Nick answered him. "I had to take what I could to keep enough of you with me so that I could get through the times you weren't there with me! I can't stop loving you, Andy!" Nick threw his arms around Andy, burying his face in Andy's chest. Andy closed his eyes and put his arms around Nick.

"Nicky, I can't do it anymore. I never could." Andy rested his chin against Nick's head, his lips kissing the top. "I'll have to talk it over with my wife." Andy's voice cracked as he got the words out. Nick pulled away slightly, wiping at his eyes. "I'll ... " Andy took a deep breath. "I'll have to see about staying with the band after I talk it over with Tracey."

"Andy," Nick was cut off by Andy's fingers on his lips.

"No more. I have to discuss this with my wife before we do or say anything else."

"Not even one more night?" Nick looked into Andy's eyes, oblivious to anything else around him. Nick clutched Andy's arm with his hand, not willing to break from the one he loved. Andy was the one who broke the touch. He removed Nick's hand with his own.

"No. Go home, Nicky. I'll let you know after I've talked with Tracey." Andy turned away from Nick without another word and left the study. Nick bent down to collect the pictures. Tears streamed from his eyes, dripping onto the photos. I knelt down to help him.

"Nick?" I whispered. He shook his head and shuffled the photos into the box and stood up. I went to the stereo and got the cd. I handed it to Nick. Nick's hand trembled as he looked at it, turning it over in his fingers. Deliberately he put it in the box with the photos.

"I'd like to go home now, Simon." Nick's voice was quiet and I just nodded. By the time I got home, Andy had left. I found his note on my desk.

Simon,

Yeah, I'm a bastard and I'm a coward. I know I can trust you not to mention what happened to anyone else. But broken hearts can mend. Broken families just fall apart. If it comes down to a choice, my family will win. I'm sorry, but that's how it has to be.

Goodbye,

Andy

I looked at the note and saw the tear stains on it.


	3. Trilogy: Rotten to the Core

Rotten to the Core

 

"Nick," Simon came up to Nick's side at the mixing board after the others had left. "This came for you by courier today." He handed the plain envelope to Nick.

"Oh?" Nick looked up absently and then spotted the handwriting on the envelope. His hand froze for a moment before he took it from Simon. "Thank you." The envelope disappeared into Nick's pocket.

"He wanted me to let you read that before I told the others about what he sent to me."

"Thank you, I appreciate that, Simon." With his thoughts broken, Nick got up from the mixing board and left the studio. He had to fight hard with the temptation to rip open the letter immediately. No matter how Nick felt about him, he wouldn't break their agreed silence, their secrets. Not even in the back seat of a cab.

Nick arrived at his flat and was dismayed to discover that his current ladyfriend, Rosalind, was hanging around. "Back from the Carribean already, luv?" Nick asked, calmly pecking her cheek.

"Yes, but it's not for long, Nick. I'm off on another assignment to Greece next. This one is going to take me at least three months." Rosalind explained. "I'm only here really to grab the rest of my clothes. I know we talked about it before Nick, but I really don't think that we can carry on together. I do adore you, but with my journalism career taking me all over the place..."

"I understand, Rosalind. I know all about travelling for your work." He smiled softly and slipped his arms around her, giving her a hug. "And I do wish you all the best in your career."

"I know you do, Nick." She returned his hug. "I'm leaving for Athens in the morning. Will you have time to see me off?"

"I'll have to see, Rosalind. I may be going back to the studio later this evening." Nick began to plan ways of extracting himself from Rosalind's attentions. He didn't want any company about when he read the letter.

"Still in the middle of recording?" Rosalind asked as she returned to her packing.

"Yes." Nick's voice was distant as he continued to think.

"I won't bother you then. We'll have to find time when I get back from Greece to have a proper dinner out." She closed her bags up and Nick hefted them from the bed towards the front door. "I have to attend a dinner meeting with my editor and the editor in chief tonight.

"Ah, shame." Nick looked downcast for her benefit. One less worry for him tonight, he thought. "Definitely after you get back from Greece then."

A cab's horn sounded out on the street. "Have to dash, Nick. Do give me a call tomorrow if you can."

"I will, luv. Take care and have a safe trip." Nick kissed her once more and they hugged in goodbye.

"Thanks, Nick." She turned to go. "Oh! Here, almost forgot. Here's your flat key back." She pressed the cold metal into his hand. "Talk soon, Nick. Bye!"

"Bye!" Nick stood at the door and watched Rosalind leave. His hand found the envelope in his pocket and he felt another hole opening in his heart. With a heavy step, he turned back inside his flat and secured the door behind him. In his sitting room, he turned on the reading light by his chair and placed the envelope on the sidetable. Deliberately, he went to his bedroom and changed into more comfortable clothes and fetched a chilled bottle of wine and a glass from the kitchen.

Unable to put off the inevitable anymore, Nick settled down in the chair with his wine and picked up the letter. He slowly opened it and withdrew the single page from inside. Without realizing it, Nick held his breath as he read the words.

Nick,

It's been a long two weeks since I last saw you. A lot has happened. Considering what we've been through, I felt it only right that I tell you what's been going on before the others find out. My wife has heard everything and has decided that the only solution would be to get a divorce. My son is old enough now to understand why at least without cloaking the reasons. The barristers are hammering out an agreement right now. I've left all of the Newcastle property to my wife and son as well as the bulk of what money I have from the last tour. In return, both of them will sign an agreement to remain silent about the reasons. The legal contracts may take a few more weeks to be finalised and until they are I'll be remaining here in Newcastle.   
Once the divorce is settled, I'll be returning to London and continuing with the band. However, I'm arranging to have a removals company take my belongings from here to my flat in London. Please give Simon the key to my flat that you have. I've asked him to be my contact there while I'm still here in Newcastle. I'm sure you can understand why I don't want you involved at this point in time. Any further news will be sent through Simon.

A.

Nick's heart leapt in his chest as he read the cold words again. No emotion, no blame. Just facts. Was that all that was left of what they had shared? Nick had to put his glass down to keep from dropping it, his hand was shaking that hard.

He traced the letter A with his finger slowly. Wishing that he could change things to how they were before. He felt tears welling from the corners of his eyes and he swiftly wiped them away. It was understandable that Andy wouldn't put to paper anything about their relationship. That would have to come when he returned to London.

The next morning, after they had all arrived at the studio, Simon told John and Roger what Andy had written to him.

"Damn, a divorce?" Roger was floored by the news. "I thought he and Tracey were always pretty stable."

"Andy doesn't give me any details as to why they're divorcing just that it's going to take a few more weeks for the legal stuff to clear up then he'll be rejoining us." Simon handed them the typed letter. Nick took some comfort that his letter had been handwritten.

"It's a shame, but..." John shrugged helplessly. John, like Nick, knew all about divorce proceedings. Nick caught John's eyes and that history was shared by them. "We'll have to help him as best we can when he's back with us. Will he be staying in Newcastle?"

"No," Simon answered. "He's made me his legal representative here in London. His gear should be moved down here to London next week sometime. Hopefully it won't be too long till he's back with us." 

Nick was rather grateful that Simon didn't catch his eye throughout the announcement. Roger and John of course prompted some discussion, or rather speculation, as to why this sudden divorce of Andy and his wife. Simon let them talk for a while before speaking up again. "We'll just have to wait and see how much Andy chooses to tell us when he gets back. Until then, we can either carry on with the recording or take a break."

"Why don't we break for a few weeks." John suggested. "Wouldn't seem right to carry on while Andy's sorting this out." Roger nodded his agreement. "Nick?" John turned to his old friend.

"Whatever you all decide is fine by me. With Rosalind off to Greece I can get some smaller projects done around the flat. Maybe see if Warren or Stephen have some time to talk about some issues." Nick replied, although working was farthest from his mind at the moment. 

"Simon?" John looked at him.

"A break sounds good to me. I'm sure the girls will love having me around the house more for a few weeks." Simon grinned. "I'll give you guys a call when I hear from Andy again. Hopefully it won't be too long."

~~~~~~

Nick went back to his empty flat after the meeting. Everything .. or rather everyone, seemed to be abandoning him right now. Not that he could blame them. He'd known that Rosalind would be leaving him soon enough. Not that he ever paid her much more attention than the minimum. A relationship of convenience, an unwritten agreement between them. Much like his relationship with Andy, Nick thought sadly.

He raided his refrigerator for a bottle of wine and a glass. In a mood, he went to his sitting room and turned on his sound system. He put on some of his most depressing music that he had in his collection and wallowed for some time in his sadness and loneliness.

In the mire of his thoughts, he wandered back through the years that he had shared with Andy. Nick wanted desperately to think that this was nothing like what had occured back in '86. God, that had hurt him, the way Andy had just turned his back to them.. to him!.. and walked away from the band. Andy had never explained anything to him, but Nick had always known that both of their marriages had strained them. Only after he'd divorced himself, did he realise that he had only married to get back at Andy for betraying their relationship and marrying Tracey.

The music continued to sink him further into a dank, black pit. Nothing could have ever made his own marriage succeed. He'd given 'her' everything she asked for, tried hard to make her happy but he never felt that same gut-deep emotion for her that he had for Andy. They never had those truly happy times together. Soon enough they had both known it wouldn't work and parted ways amicably if coldly.

More wine found its way into his glass and Nick sipped at it. Secret visits to the safe deposit box at the bank when he could while he was married. Where he'd stored everything he had of his and Andy's times together. The whole record that he had of those moments fit now in a shoebox. He smiled ruefully at that. THE shoebox.. the pair of shoes he'd bought for Andy while he'd been on a few days holiday. Nick shook his head, trying not to think about it. Events all long past that existed now only in a few photographs and notes.

Nick's fingers found the letter in his pocket and he drew it out. It was too gloomy in the sitting room for him to actually read it, but the words didn't matter. He could seemingly feel the coldness through the page. His thumb ran over the words, feeling the light indentations made by the letters on the page. It was as if he was carressing a block of ice, it felt so distant and chilling to his soul.

"It can't end this way." He mumbled thickly to the air. "I won't let it end this way. I won't let him be the coward this time."

~~~~~

Nick was forced awake from his drunken stupor three days later by a loud thumping at the front door. He struggled wearily into a robe and padded to the door. Blinking at the bright light, he barely registered Simon at his doorstep.

"Nick?? Good god, what have you been doing to yourself??" Simon grabbed Nick's unsteady arm and kept him on his feet.

"Must you yell?" Nick winced at the sounds. He made another pained face as he was backed into the flat and the door closed with a brain-grinding thud. Simon's lecture to him went unheard as Nick tuned him out, instead letting his weakened body be led to the couch in his sitting room. He lay down with no argument and dozed off again.

"Right, let's get you sobered up." Simon's voice rang once more in his ears and Nick screwed up his eyes in pain. He fought the steaming cup of tea pressing against his dry lips. "Don't fight me, you sodden bastard."

Nick couldn't fight Simon, not in his condition. After a few more token protests, Nick succumbed to Simon's ministrations. The tea helped to restore his senses somewhat. Enough to take in that Simon was drawing a bath for him. In his muddled state, Nick grew wild at the thought of Simon seeing him naked. He got up and stumbled to the bathroom. With some effort he convinced Simon to go make him something to eat while he washed up.

After a long soak, Nick's mind cleared up. The pain of his hangover remained but he could think more clearly. By the time he emerged from the bathroom and got dressed, he had settled into a simmering resentment of Simon's interruptions. In the kitchen, Simon sat there waiting for him, a plate of biscuits and jam sat on the table.

"What brings you here?" Nick asked. "I was under the impression that we were on break."

"We are on a break, but you .." Simon emphasised the word. " haven't given me Andy's key yet. As he requested you do."

Nick snorted. "Requested? More like commanded."

"I'm only going by what he directed in his letter to me. And it sounded to me like it was a request."

Nick got up and went to the cupboards. Inside hung the key and he snatched it up and flung it at Simon. "Take the damn thing and leave me be."

Simon had to bend over and pick the key up off the floor. "Nick, sit down and eat."

"Go fuck yourself." Nick snapped.

"Don't go taking it out on me, mister." Simon was quick to rise at Nick's temper. "You want to sit and mope, you just go right the fuck ahead. But don't you dare take out on me what you should be kicking yourself for! You go look in the mirror and yell at yourself. You rigged up that computer and no one else is to blame for what's happened."

Simon had to duck quickly as the plate was flung by Nick against the wall. "I don't NEED you to point out everything I've done wrong!"

"Christ, Nick!" Simon looked shaken as he glanced at the shattered plate littering the kitchen floor.

"What do you want from me, Simon?" Nick bellowed. "Would you like to condemn me for anything else now? Or would you like to shout to the world that I'm a queer who's been playing at being hetero all this time? Would you like that publicity? Or maybe you'd..." His words were cut off by Simon's hand grabbing his arm painfully. Nick yelped at the sudden sharp pain.

"Stop this!! Stop it right now!" Simon barked at him. "You've been on a bloody bender for three days now and you aren't thinking right at all."

"Let me go!" Nick tugged at his arm until Simon let him go. "And I'll have you know that I'm thinking all to well right now!" He turned his back on Simon and went to the sitting room, returning to his favourite chair where the empty wine bottles were neatly lined up in a row. Nick waved at the evidence of his binge. "This is what I have now, emptiness. Rosalind is gone and so is Andy. I've nothing to fill my soul."

"What makes you so sure that Andy is gone?" Simon asked.

"Oh, come on, Simon. You saw the results of before. It took almost 20 years for Andy to come back. And even then I had to be the one to wake him up to the reality of our love."

"What are you saying, Nick?" Simon's eyes pierced into Nick.

"You said it first, after you heard the cd. I may as well have raped him." Nick slumped in the chair. His anger had flared and now it was gutted. "Some repayment that was. After all this time, all he had ever shown me was care and affection. Yes, we love one another. But I suppose I love him more than he loves me."

"I heard what I heard, Nick. And that wasn't rape. You were both consenting to it."

"Andy wasn't!" Nick argued. "Not that first time. Nor the next few times." He rubbed at his aching eyes. "I pushed him to it, pushed him to pick up where we'd left off. I'm a fool for even thinking I could do this for him. To start up again."

"Too much time's gone by, Nick. You've both grown a lot since then. You've both had families."

Nick shook his head. "You don't understand Andy as I do." He got up and began to pace the room. "Andy was the one who showed me everything. Don't laugh, but he's the only man I've ever had, ever loved. He came to me, he ... " Nick blushed fiercely and turned away from Simon. "He was the driving force of our relationship. I rode with him, so to speak. Andy arranged everything, every moment we had together was at his behest. When he left to go record with John and we were in Paris, I grew more comfortable with how I felt about him. Even though we were apart, I knew we'd be together again. So I took that time to learn how to be more aggressive. Not in the rough way, but more of a leader rather than a follower."

Simon graciously sat and listened as Nick continued.

"Before he left, as you know, I tried to convince him to come and live with me. I even mentioned that I wanted to let you all know about him and I. I wanted to come out with him. Tell everyone." Nick hugged himself as he stood before the cold fireplace. "I can't ever forget the look on his face, Simon. I saw fear in his eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes... " Nick's voice trailed off for a moment. "His eyes went grey at that moment. At least that's how I remember it. The joy was gone.. they weren't smiling anymore. He just turned off the light that night and the next morning he was gone. No note or anything. Just gone." His voice trembled and Simon came to his side, hugging him.

Nick turned into Simon's body, his head buried against Simon's chest as he sobbed. "Nick." Simon just whispered his name and held him until Nick's emotions washed out of him.

Nick sniffled loudly and pulled away from Simon to collect himself. Simon sat him down on the couch before going and brewing them some more tea. He came back with two cups and sat beside Nick.

"I'm sorry, Simon." Nick was humble as he spoke. "I shouldn't have gotten mad at you."

"It's okay, Nick. You're going through some rough times now," Simon put an arm around his friend, hugging him again.

"You are right, I did cause this. But I don't want it to end this way. Not with bitterness or recriminations or silence. It all seems so.. cold."

"Andy's got a lot on his mind right now with his divorce, Nick. Give it time until he gets that done. You have to go slow with this or else you both may regret things."

Nick could only nod, he was too exhausted to do anything else. He resigned himself to waiting it out.

~~~~~

The days stretched into weeks and Nick found tasks and projects to occupy himself. He attended a number of film premieres alone to fill some of the empty evenings. Simon invited him to dinner with the family a few times but Nick declined every time. He couldn't bear to be in such a happy home when he felt miserable most of the time. Instead, on those nights when he was alone at home, he would take out the shoebox of their memories and Nick would relive the moments. The happy times when they took pictures and laughed and caroused.

Each time, Nick pushed aside the cd, not daring to listen to it. No matter how much he wanted to listen to Andy's voice again. It was as if it were a virus, a black death. Nick's heart grew heavy and he'd put the shoebox away again. He didn't sink to having another binge but he didn't exactly smile a lot at those times either.

When Nick felt himself plunging once more into his darkness, he would call Simon. Simon... Nick smiled at how great a friend a Simon was at this time in his life. The only other person who knew what had happened. Simon would let him talk, recount times that he and Andy had shared in the past. And then Simon would cheer him up slightly, reminding him that Andy was coming back to the band.

Late one night, Nick called Simon halfway through a bottle of wine. His friend came over to his flat and sat with him in the sitting room. They shared the rest of the wine and Simon listened.

"Nick," Simon asked after an hour or more had passed. "You always say that you love Andy but I just don't understand it."

"Oh?" Nick furrowed his brows. "What do you mean?"

"Your both men.. I can understand the sex part. That's easy enough to get my head around, but to love him? Is it like how I love Yasmin?"

"Well, yes, it would be." Nick waved a hand airily."It's like I can curl up beside Andy on the bed and just be happy with him. No sex.. just curling up. I remember once," Nick giggled as he remembered. "We had sat up watching some horrible movie in a hotel room. I think we were in Australia. Must have been, the hour was so horribly late and we weren't tired at all. We were sat on the floor and we just put our arms around each other and watched the movie. We didn't say anything really. Just sat there until it ended and then we just kissed and went to sleep on the bed. To me, that was just a wonderful moment."

Simon stretched out on the couch. "Wow." He breathed. "It's that deep for you two?"

Nick nodded. "Yes, it is. Well, it used to be that deep."

"I'm sure it will be again, Nick." Simon reassured him. "Something like that, you just don't let it go that easily. You have to fight for it if you want it that badly, Nick."

"I know, Simon. I know."

~~~~~~~

Andy returned to London after a long month. Nick rejoined the others at the studio in a much more cheerful frame of mind. His long talks with Simon had helped him immeasurably. He didn't expect anything from Andy at the studio. It was still an agreement to silence and secrecy, as it had always been before.

The few times they did have a moment alone together, Andy was always vague and non-committal as to when they would get together. After those times, Nick would once more turn to Simon for solace. And every time, Simon would caution him to be patient and give Andy time.

His moment finally came some weeks after Andy's return to London and the band. They found themselves alone in the studio. Nick approached Andy as he was putting away his guitar. "Andy?" His voice was soft, almost a whisper.

"What?" Andy's voice was gruff.

"I want to talk."

"About what?" Andy refused to look directly at Nick.

"Us." Nick held his breath as he waited for Andy's answer.

"Is there anything left to say?" Andy said finally.

"Yes, there is. Please." Nick fought back the urge to reach out and touch Andy, to hold him and to be held.

Andy grimaced and then sighed. He nodded and left the studio with Nick at his heels. The cab ride was silent as they travelled to Nick's flat. Neither of them spoke until they were in his sitting room. Andy sat on the couch and Nick sat in his chair.

"Say what you want then." Andy said flatly.

"I've missed you." Nick declared. "I've missed what we shared together all those years ago."

"It's in the past, Nick. Leave it there."

"And just a few weeks ago? What about then?" Nick asked.

"What about it?" Andy took off his shades and glared at Nick.

"Did it all mean nothing?" Nick's voice shook.

"What do you want it to mean? You fucking conned me, Nick. You pulled me into this and you fucking screwed me over with it. It cost you nothing but it cost me my family." Andy's lips were thin with his tightly controlled anger.

"And me? Am I nothing? Are all the times we had nothing to you?" Nick pressed on.

"I fucking told you, Nick. It's over. It's been over since I left in 86. Get your head out of the fucking clouds and deal with reality. You fucking conned me back into your fucking little world and left my family to rot. And now what do you want from me?"

"I want us to be together." Nick said quietly.

"Together? Did you plan this then? Plan to destroy my family and then just casually expect me to bend down on my knee and worship you for it?" Nick flinched at Andy's anger. "Fuck you, Nick. Fuck you and your fucking little dreams."

"But we love each other!" Nick cried out. "All those times we were together."

"We were young then, Nick. Young and not caring about a fucking thing in the world. I don't know where the fuck you think I actually loved you."

"You did! Why else would you spend so much time with me!"

"Because I was fucking horny, that's why Nick! I had a fucking hard on and you were near enough to fuck!" Andy growled.

"No! I don't believe that!" Nick got up in a panic. "How can you say that!"

"Because it's the fucking truth!" Andy bellowed.

"The truth??" Nick's own temper was fraying now. "The truth is that we shared a lot together. And it wasn't just fucking! I'm not fucking stupid Andy! I remember what we did together."

The two men were standing toe to toe, their anger feeding off each others.

"What we did??" Andy snarled. "We had sex. We fucked when there weren't any women around."

"And that first time meant nothing? It was you who set this in motion! I remember that first night. You.. it was you who said that you wanted me! You were the one who kissed me first, you were the one practically begging me to let you have sex with me!"

"So? Just because I wanted to fuck a virgin ass doesn't mean I loved you!" Andy never saw Nick's blow until he felt the sting and the taste of blood in his mouth. "FUCK!"

"Don't you stand there and fucking lie to me!" Nick shouted.

"You've busted my fucking lip open, you bastard!" Andy wiped more blood from his cut lip.

"Good! I'll do it again too if you keep lying to me!" Nick stood up to him.

"I hate you, Nick. I hate what you did to me and to my family. You just don't fucking get it do you?"

"I only ever wanted to share my life with you!" Nick told him.

"Your life?? And what about my life?? Did you ever once fucking think that maybe what you wanted wasn't what I wanted?" Andy shouted at him. "You weren't fucking happy with what we did have! You are a greedy fucking bastard who will never be happy until the world is shaped in your fucking image! You want to know the truth! Fine!" Andy got right in Nick's face. "I loved you, you fucking bastard. Yes. I loved you. But I don't fucking love you anymore! I hate you! I hate you for taking those fucking pictures! I hate you for recording those times in my apartment. I hate every fucking time you tell me your fucking dreams of 'sharing our love with all our friends'!" Andy raged at his lover. "I hate you because you were never beaten up or ridiculed for what you are! You never had to run away from all you ever knew. You want to tell the whole fucking hateful world that we're lovers and you want to bring all their hatred on us! Do you think for one fucking minute that I WANTED to stay hidden? Get a fucking clue, Nick! The reality of it is that if you tell anyone what we had together it's going to be your turn to find yourself in some fucking alleyway with your nose busted and your ribs cracked by the boots of some fucking asshole who doesn't like queers!"

Nick went white as a sheet as he listened to Andy's words. He reached out to Andy but his hand was knocked away.

"It's over, Nick. Over!" Andy pushed Nick away from him.

"It can't end this way!" Nick clutched at Andy's arm. "Please! Don't let it end this way!"

"No, I'm not running this time, Nick. I refuse to run. This band is my family now. And by fucking god, you aren't going to destroy it for me! But you listen to me, Nick." His eyes locked to Nick's. "I am not in love with you any more. I can never forgive you for what you did to my wife and son. I could have loved you forever, Nick, but you had to go and fucking record what we said!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Andy! I never meant it to happen this way!"

"It's too fucking late for that, Nick. Too fucking late!" Andy wrenched his arm from Nick's grasp. "What you did can't be fixed. I've had to give up everything I had to keep this quiet. Do you understand that, Nick? Everything. I've had to beg Simon to take over the rent of my flat. I have NOTHING!"

"Andy.. " Nick looked in horror at Andy's announcement.

"That is what I have because of you, Nick. Nothing! No family, no home, no money. All because you wanted a fucking memory of us! Well, you have your memory now. I hope you enjoy it."

Nick could only stand and watch as Andy turned away and left him with an aching, empty hole deep in his heart. Andy's hatred ate at him until he crumpled to the floor, sobbing until he was empty of tears.

**Author's Note:**

> Bear with me, I'm going through old fic that I'd posted online over a decade ago and going to start pulling it over onto AO3. There will be edits and stuff to go through but I'd rather do it this way then lose the stories.


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